Only One?

Yep, I'm a huge Eminem fan. He's vulgar, violent and I won't let my kid listen to him, but he's honest and raps about real things, his real life, no matter how good, how bad or how ugly. I feel like I read his diary when I listen to him. Weird? Maybe....but then if you know me, you'll just shrug this little oddity off like all the others.

So I think of this song a lot when it comes to my life. We get one shot, right? At everything or just some things? 

With my children, it's so obvious to me that if I screw them up, not much else I achieve will matter. Sure I can save for therapy later for them and do what I want now, but, well, that doesn't seem like the best option.

Anyhow, I know where I stand on this, I know every time I look into the eyes of my little boys or see either do something for the very first time that I am on the right track. I know because I am there. I see these things happen. I document them. I talk endlessly about each child's new ability.

But then something (s) happens. And I second guess everything:

• My oldest and I disagree - A LOT. Should I just send him to after school care and be done with it?

• He's also recently diagnosed with "A.D.D." and "Oppositional Defiance Disorder" (arguing for the sake of arguing). I've got another whole blog post brewing about what I think of these things (can you tell I doubt the field of medicine lately) but my point is - AM I DOING OK? AM I THE RIGHT PERSON FOR HIM TO BE WITH IN HIS FREE TIME?
  
  
• I see friends and colleagues excel and while I am excited for them, my workaholic nature kicks in and I start wondering if I should have taken on just one more client, if I should have done this, or should do that, etc. If I did, surely I could afford ...
  

I suppose the grass is always greener.

I suppose I could approach my work life differently.  I would eventually get over it if I were not the first to witness my baby's smile, first crawl, first steps or even (cause he did it and it's so stinking cute) his first dinosaur growl (at a book!). I suppose I could just pay someone else to take my son to karate, to swimming, to soccer and ask them to video. I could even "make up" my lack of attendance by giving him extra special gifts to let him know I'm thinking of him. I could be sure to attend just the games or the meets and not worry about the time he spent working on his six year old skills.

Or I can continue the daily juggle. I can stay committed to my small list of clients and give them 150% instead of 75%. I can truly invest and be what I want to be for them and to them. I can race my husband to the shower each morning after going to bed last and waking up first so that my communication with well, people, places and things around me stays solid . I can continue what I think is a pretty damn good balance of work and life and make the necessary financial contributions to my family. Notice I said necessary. I am an expert time manager and planner. I will acknowledge that about myself (as I usually find it impossible to toot my own horn, so to speak). I know when to say when personally and professionally after years of trial and error and being told I "burn the candle at both ends."  That stopped when I had Micah.

I spent years in non profits with an hour commute both ways to the office. I spent 30 hours a week 45 miles away from my Micah, my then infant son. I did that for pennies (because being in  your mid twenties is customarily a time frame for "entry level" positions where you work your butt off for nothing to prove yourself) -the very ones that helped meet our family's bottom line. It was not easy. I convinced my boss to allow me to do my full time job in 30 hrs instead of 40-ish so that I could have those 10 more precious hours with my son.

My business was started by Divine Intervention. There's no doubt there. It's not even worth speculating. I was supposed to do it. The rest is between me and the Big Man. It has provided TIME (with my kids) and FLEXIBILITY. It's given me courage. It's been amazing.

 But it's funny how easily I get thrown.

Just the other day I turned away a pretty lucrative opportunity. Had I taken it I could have afforded to redo the bathroom, get the much needed sod for our yard and start on the numerous things I WANT to do to our home.

I was also recently asked, by a woman my age, when I was going to put Rowan in full time daycare and go back to work. Ha! I must be doing one hell of a job to fool someone into thinking that I don't work. I work 24/7 but am also a present mother 24/7. Balance.

So yes. I guess you only get one shot. It just depends on what you're aiming at.

Disclaimer (read: don't even try it): 

Let me clarify, just in case it's necessary, that I am not downing women who choose differently. I am merely relaying my experience (after all, there was such a thing at the women's movement way back when that served as the launch pad for much good in this world:) ).