What am I feeling right now - a tiny bit helpless, a whole lot of rage and a sprinkling of disappointment.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be - how I imagined things would turn out...but this is the way it is. How I deal with it is what I'm still trying to figure out.
I miss my mother. I miss her laughter. I miss her witty comments and her smile.
The thing is - she's still here. The Lord hasn't taken her to heaven. She is suffering from Multiple Sclerosis.
She's lying in her bed, just 12 miles from my home, likely sleeping. Again.
There's a side of me that wants to be selfish. I want to say things like :
How could you do this to me?
How can you not be involved with your grandchildren?
Why don't you call?
Why don't you come to any of Micah's extra curricular activities?
You missed Rowan walk, please don't miss him talk...he's already beginning.
I ran my first two races this year, mom. I hate running, but I did it because I know you can't.
I raised a lot of money for the research for your disease, Mom - but you don't seem to be aware.
Why don't you have us for dinner? Why won't you come to dinner at our house?
Why aren't you there, mom?!
But then God gives me a bird's eye view and I think, I realize, I understand.
She doesn't call because she is tired. She spent her whole life calling and checking on me. It used to drive me nuts!
She doesn't let the grandchildren see her because she doesn't want them to see her this way. Micah already shys away because of how she looks (tired, always in pj's). It hurts her to brush her hair or put clothes on.
She doesn't overly concern herself about how much money was raised for MS, she is likely feeling hopeless and that her life has been compromised.
She doesn't have us over because she can't clean and cook like she used to and can't trust herself to be able to stay on her feet for any given amount of time.
She doesn't come over or enter public places because her immune system is so broken that even teh slightest cold or virus carried by us can turn into something as sever as pneumonia for her - and quickly.
She is sad.
She misses who she was.
I spent a LOT of time over the years trying to convince my mother that we all accepted her new reality, that no one thought anything different of her and we would support her. I offered countless times to "start over" with her MS diagnosis. "Let's detox and begin again, Mom," I would say. "I live close now. Please let me in. Please let me help."
Her response is always the same, "There is nothing you can do for me, sweetie. I hate being sick. I'm sick of this myself. I hate doctors."
When she responds this way it sends me first into rage, where I am guilty of yelling at her (I'm sorry, Mom) and telling her how crazy she sounds. Then it sends me into frustration because she also tells me that I have my own life, my own children and she doesn't want to compromise that. She's my mother - my first family!
Life is funny. Life is - short. I remember being a little girl and for no reason at all I would start to cry when even thinking of my future without my mother. How odd, right? Maybe God was allowing me to feel such grown up things for a purpose - so that I could prepare for today, when I can reach out and touch her but she can't feel me.
I loathe MS. I hate what it has done to her. I fear it for myself and find that I scrutinize every ache and pain...
I know that some day my mother will laugh again, that the medicines that calm her pain won't take over her body and she'll be Kathy again.
It's very easy for me to ask "Why?", as I have for many, many years about many, many things. How could God allow this to happen? Why doesn't he swoop in and heal her? I can definitely see how many might think that God is not a God of love or that He doesn't have the power to prevent suffering. What if He does have the power but not the will? Then surely He must be punishing her, right? It's been a long road lined with many, many thoughts...
I do not know the answers for sure when it comes to this, but I do know that God is a God of love. He is holy and just and I think, feel, believe - that he uses trials to bring us closer to Him - to remind us that we need Him, that he is God the Father. Emmanual - God with Us. I know that my mother speaks to God every day and that she loves and respects Him.
Revelation 21:4 says "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."
I believe this verse applies to the heaven experience - and boy - who can't wait for that? My son always tells me how excited he is about seeing God "for real".
Isaiah 40:31 says "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
I believe we can apply this verse in a variety of ways. I think, though, that we can sometimes overlook its intention. This verse doesn't mean that nothing will happen to us if we believe in God, that we will be exempt from being human, but that, as believers, it's possible to have peace during any trial, any suffering and that we will make it through, we will soar in whatever way that is possible for each individual. For my mother, that might mean that she may not be able to walk every day, but her love for God will not grow faint. It may mean that her hope is in her "forever" life that is yet to come. I think when you're sick you're likely all too aware of how human and frail you are and you can only hope in THE hope of all hopes....
I pray that there are many quality moments left with my mother, that my babies will know and love their "Ya Ya".
Until those moments, I'll be missing her.
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