There's no doubt where my 7 year old gets his anger from.
There's no doubt that the words he speaks are the words he has heard me say to him...and when they arrive inside my eardrum and sting my heart, I find myself on my knees asking for forgiveness.
My anger has seemed to escalate over the past few months. I am not a walking time bomb, but it definitely doesn't take much to set me off...so maybe I am. My husband stopped me yesterday after I disciplined my son publicly (not usual for me) in a fit of rage and told me, gently but sternly, to check myself. My body was filled with grief. It's amazing how much I can suck sometimes.
I would say that I grew up knowing that my parents loved me very, very much. I would also say that either one of them would yell at the drop of a hat and it scared the CRAP out of me. I still live in fear of my father's temper. Just his angry look alone brings a very primitive emotion up in me that I don't want to cause my sons to feel. My parents aren't bad people...they just always had a lot on their plate and their stress level was always high. Speaking of...
I am currently debating EVERYTHING. I am a freelancer...it's been a tremendous blessing to be able to bring in steady income for 4.5 years all on my own and have the flexibility I need to also be a very present mother. That doesn't mean it's easy. It's actually much harder for me to function this way professionally because I now have multiple masters and two children, 5.5 years apart, with exceptionally different needs and expectations. One child needs a diaper change as the other is getting into the soccer goal for the first time or desperately wants to show me a new (and usually amazing) skill...being all things to all people isn't as easy as it looks. Someone or something has to come last. I try SO hard not to make it one of my kids.
I compartmentalize everything..planning time, meeting time, gym time, nap time (where considerable work is done), extra curricular time, dinner time, bed and bath time and then back to work time. Wheew. Oh, right, then there's the whole be a wife thing. Man, I sure wish I was better at that some days. Like I said, I'm debating everything, evaluating everything....what's REALLY important in this life, etc...
I remember my mother crying at times as I grew up...saying that she missed us being small. I used to be offended by that. "Don't you like who I am now? Can't you enjoy me NOW, mom?" I would say as a smart ass teen. She would always respond positively...but she just seemed sad...like she lost something so special.
I GET IT NOW.
Micah is 7 and not only is he incredibly smart, he, like I said before, can cut me to the core with his words...many of them phrases and concepts that he's heard from me...and I realize upon hearing them, that I could have, should have, kept my own mouth shut. Other times it's Micah-all-natural...he is who he is and BOY IS HE A BALL BUSTER. He is smart, loving, kind, empathetic, but also sarcastic (guilty), jealous of his younger brother and TOTALLY in love with his daddy. Just tonight he was sent to bed early and when I went in to check on him, he was curled up to a picture of Gabe. GABE...not me. Not mommy anymore...hasn't been for almost a year...he's a boy and wants to be around boys. Mommy's boring, I suppose, the main disciplinarian (with him more often than Gabe of course), the one who doesn't let him get away with anything.
While I realize I can't stop disciplining as he grows more challenging, I ACHE for the days when he was 3,4 and 5 (fastest years EVER) and it was just "us"...lunches together, library time, ample hand holding...
Even Rowan, not even 2, cries out "my daddy, my daddy...where daddy go?". It's awesome that they love their daddy so much...but in all honesty I start to wonder if I am somehow pushing them away? No one would ever tell me that was the case....but I can't help but wonder if I have so much on my plate that all I do during the week is "manage well" instead of "parent well." That alone makes me furious...but I can't focus the rage I feel.
I am told consistently about my potential...what I could do/become if only...if only what? If only I didn't have these two heavy weights???? In my heart I know that's what the intent of the statements are. Because I choose to keep my youngest out of full time daycare and my oldest out of full time summer camp, I must also choose to take on less work, even when prime opportunities come flooding in. I know several who think I regularly commit professional suicide...but I do not care. I might for a second, but one look into the gorgeous eyes of my children and I know the ultimate truth...if I screw them up, nothing else really matters.
That last paragraph sounds pretty solid, right? Like I have my priorities straight, doesn't it? Then why do I feel SO BAD? Part of me knows there's another calling on my life. I truly believe God has something else in store and He knows (as I pray all the time for it to be revealed) I am waiting. READY and waiting. Even though I know I have been blessed to carve out this balance of professional life and mommy hood, I know there's more work to be done...different work. This gig is likely just temporary. Maybe that's part of what makes me so angry. Tom Petty said it best "The waiting is the hardest part."
Today in church our pastor talked about prayer...the importance of it...I expected that. What I didn't expect was for him to TOTALLY REVEAL MY ISSUE. Turns out it's a popular one and not just mine. He described a situation in which we pray continually, as God asks, and still don't have an answer to our prayer(s). Uh, yeah...experienced that one before. He asked us if when we pray we feel like the prayers go nowhere, as if there's a sort of ceiling above us that prevents it from going "up there". I am botching up what he said, but basically he described my exact process. I cry, I pray, I fall asleep during prayer, I lose focus, sometimes I am totally focused, and many times feel like I'm talking to air. He then simply said that if there's an "elephant" in the room (a certain sin/negative behavior) that we know could be keeping us from being "right" with God that we should just simply clear the air. After his sermon I asked an older woman I know to pray with me...I started crying...knowing that my elephant was anger and that I was guilty of repeating a pattern I grew up with...and I WAS SORRY. SO SORRY. We prayed together and I fully understood that had let that go...that I admitted it and asked for help. I'll keep you posted.
I do not want anger to block my view of who I am and am supposed to be...as a woman, as a mommy, as a servant of God. It's an issue, and I know that I have the will to overcome it...I just need God to lead the way.
