Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Micah
To Micah:
You are such a big, strong boy.
You will be a second grader tomorrow and I am already missing you and want to go wake you up so that we can snuggle and make today last longer.
I know you have a lot of struggles inside your little heart...and I love this song and I love it for you. May God Bless You, baby.
"Breathe In, Breathe Out"
You are such a big, strong boy.
You will be a second grader tomorrow and I am already missing you and want to go wake you up so that we can snuggle and make today last longer.
I know you have a lot of struggles inside your little heart...and I love this song and I love it for you. May God Bless You, baby.
"Breathe In, Breathe Out"
Breathe in, breathe out,
Tell me all of your doubts,
& Everybody bleeds this way,
Just the same.
Breathe in, breathe out,
Move on and break down,
If everyone goes away i will stay.
We push and pull,
& I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.
Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes.
Hold on hold tight,
From out of your sight,
If everything keeps moving on, moving on,
Hold on hold tight,
Make it through another night,
& everyday there comes a song with the dawn,
We push and pull and I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.
Cause there is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
Breathe in, and breathe out.
Breathe in, and breathe out.
Breathe in, and breathe out.
Breathe in, and breathe out.
Look left look right,
To the moon in the night.
& everything under the stars is in your arms.
Cause there is a light, in your eyes in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
Tell me all of your doubts,
& Everybody bleeds this way,
Just the same.
Breathe in, breathe out,
Move on and break down,
If everyone goes away i will stay.
We push and pull,
& I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.
Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes.
Hold on hold tight,
From out of your sight,
If everything keeps moving on, moving on,
Hold on hold tight,
Make it through another night,
& everyday there comes a song with the dawn,
We push and pull and I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.
Cause there is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
Breathe in, and breathe out.
Breathe in, and breathe out.
Breathe in, and breathe out.
Breathe in, and breathe out.
Look left look right,
To the moon in the night.
& everything under the stars is in your arms.
Cause there is a light, in your eyes in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
There is a light, in your eyes, in your eyes.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
What Have I Done?
There's no doubt where my 7 year old gets his anger from.
There's no doubt that the words he speaks are the words he has heard me say to him...and when they arrive inside my eardrum and sting my heart, I find myself on my knees asking for forgiveness.
My anger has seemed to escalate over the past few months. I am not a walking time bomb, but it definitely doesn't take much to set me off...so maybe I am. My husband stopped me yesterday after I disciplined my son publicly (not usual for me) in a fit of rage and told me, gently but sternly, to check myself. My body was filled with grief. It's amazing how much I can suck sometimes.
I would say that I grew up knowing that my parents loved me very, very much. I would also say that either one of them would yell at the drop of a hat and it scared the CRAP out of me. I still live in fear of my father's temper. Just his angry look alone brings a very primitive emotion up in me that I don't want to cause my sons to feel. My parents aren't bad people...they just always had a lot on their plate and their stress level was always high. Speaking of...
I am currently debating EVERYTHING. I am a freelancer...it's been a tremendous blessing to be able to bring in steady income for 4.5 years all on my own and have the flexibility I need to also be a very present mother. That doesn't mean it's easy. It's actually much harder for me to function this way professionally because I now have multiple masters and two children, 5.5 years apart, with exceptionally different needs and expectations. One child needs a diaper change as the other is getting into the soccer goal for the first time or desperately wants to show me a new (and usually amazing) skill...being all things to all people isn't as easy as it looks. Someone or something has to come last. I try SO hard not to make it one of my kids.
I compartmentalize everything..planning time, meeting time, gym time, nap time (where considerable work is done), extra curricular time, dinner time, bed and bath time and then back to work time. Wheew. Oh, right, then there's the whole be a wife thing. Man, I sure wish I was better at that some days. Like I said, I'm debating everything, evaluating everything....what's REALLY important in this life, etc...
I remember my mother crying at times as I grew up...saying that she missed us being small. I used to be offended by that. "Don't you like who I am now? Can't you enjoy me NOW, mom?" I would say as a smart ass teen. She would always respond positively...but she just seemed sad...like she lost something so special.
I GET IT NOW.
Micah is 7 and not only is he incredibly smart, he, like I said before, can cut me to the core with his words...many of them phrases and concepts that he's heard from me...and I realize upon hearing them, that I could have, should have, kept my own mouth shut. Other times it's Micah-all-natural...he is who he is and BOY IS HE A BALL BUSTER. He is smart, loving, kind, empathetic, but also sarcastic (guilty), jealous of his younger brother and TOTALLY in love with his daddy. Just tonight he was sent to bed early and when I went in to check on him, he was curled up to a picture of Gabe. GABE...not me. Not mommy anymore...hasn't been for almost a year...he's a boy and wants to be around boys. Mommy's boring, I suppose, the main disciplinarian (with him more often than Gabe of course), the one who doesn't let him get away with anything.
While I realize I can't stop disciplining as he grows more challenging, I ACHE for the days when he was 3,4 and 5 (fastest years EVER) and it was just "us"...lunches together, library time, ample hand holding...
Even Rowan, not even 2, cries out "my daddy, my daddy...where daddy go?". It's awesome that they love their daddy so much...but in all honesty I start to wonder if I am somehow pushing them away? No one would ever tell me that was the case....but I can't help but wonder if I have so much on my plate that all I do during the week is "manage well" instead of "parent well." That alone makes me furious...but I can't focus the rage I feel.
I am told consistently about my potential...what I could do/become if only...if only what? If only I didn't have these two heavy weights???? In my heart I know that's what the intent of the statements are. Because I choose to keep my youngest out of full time daycare and my oldest out of full time summer camp, I must also choose to take on less work, even when prime opportunities come flooding in. I know several who think I regularly commit professional suicide...but I do not care. I might for a second, but one look into the gorgeous eyes of my children and I know the ultimate truth...if I screw them up, nothing else really matters.
That last paragraph sounds pretty solid, right? Like I have my priorities straight, doesn't it? Then why do I feel SO BAD? Part of me knows there's another calling on my life. I truly believe God has something else in store and He knows (as I pray all the time for it to be revealed) I am waiting. READY and waiting. Even though I know I have been blessed to carve out this balance of professional life and mommy hood, I know there's more work to be done...different work. This gig is likely just temporary. Maybe that's part of what makes me so angry. Tom Petty said it best "The waiting is the hardest part."
Today in church our pastor talked about prayer...the importance of it...I expected that. What I didn't expect was for him to TOTALLY REVEAL MY ISSUE. Turns out it's a popular one and not just mine. He described a situation in which we pray continually, as God asks, and still don't have an answer to our prayer(s). Uh, yeah...experienced that one before. He asked us if when we pray we feel like the prayers go nowhere, as if there's a sort of ceiling above us that prevents it from going "up there". I am botching up what he said, but basically he described my exact process. I cry, I pray, I fall asleep during prayer, I lose focus, sometimes I am totally focused, and many times feel like I'm talking to air. He then simply said that if there's an "elephant" in the room (a certain sin/negative behavior) that we know could be keeping us from being "right" with God that we should just simply clear the air. After his sermon I asked an older woman I know to pray with me...I started crying...knowing that my elephant was anger and that I was guilty of repeating a pattern I grew up with...and I WAS SORRY. SO SORRY. We prayed together and I fully understood that had let that go...that I admitted it and asked for help. I'll keep you posted.
I do not want anger to block my view of who I am and am supposed to be...as a woman, as a mommy, as a servant of God. It's an issue, and I know that I have the will to overcome it...I just need God to lead the way.
There's no doubt that the words he speaks are the words he has heard me say to him...and when they arrive inside my eardrum and sting my heart, I find myself on my knees asking for forgiveness.
My anger has seemed to escalate over the past few months. I am not a walking time bomb, but it definitely doesn't take much to set me off...so maybe I am. My husband stopped me yesterday after I disciplined my son publicly (not usual for me) in a fit of rage and told me, gently but sternly, to check myself. My body was filled with grief. It's amazing how much I can suck sometimes.
I would say that I grew up knowing that my parents loved me very, very much. I would also say that either one of them would yell at the drop of a hat and it scared the CRAP out of me. I still live in fear of my father's temper. Just his angry look alone brings a very primitive emotion up in me that I don't want to cause my sons to feel. My parents aren't bad people...they just always had a lot on their plate and their stress level was always high. Speaking of...
I am currently debating EVERYTHING. I am a freelancer...it's been a tremendous blessing to be able to bring in steady income for 4.5 years all on my own and have the flexibility I need to also be a very present mother. That doesn't mean it's easy. It's actually much harder for me to function this way professionally because I now have multiple masters and two children, 5.5 years apart, with exceptionally different needs and expectations. One child needs a diaper change as the other is getting into the soccer goal for the first time or desperately wants to show me a new (and usually amazing) skill...being all things to all people isn't as easy as it looks. Someone or something has to come last. I try SO hard not to make it one of my kids.
I compartmentalize everything..planning time, meeting time, gym time, nap time (where considerable work is done), extra curricular time, dinner time, bed and bath time and then back to work time. Wheew. Oh, right, then there's the whole be a wife thing. Man, I sure wish I was better at that some days. Like I said, I'm debating everything, evaluating everything....what's REALLY important in this life, etc...
I remember my mother crying at times as I grew up...saying that she missed us being small. I used to be offended by that. "Don't you like who I am now? Can't you enjoy me NOW, mom?" I would say as a smart ass teen. She would always respond positively...but she just seemed sad...like she lost something so special.
I GET IT NOW.
Micah is 7 and not only is he incredibly smart, he, like I said before, can cut me to the core with his words...many of them phrases and concepts that he's heard from me...and I realize upon hearing them, that I could have, should have, kept my own mouth shut. Other times it's Micah-all-natural...he is who he is and BOY IS HE A BALL BUSTER. He is smart, loving, kind, empathetic, but also sarcastic (guilty), jealous of his younger brother and TOTALLY in love with his daddy. Just tonight he was sent to bed early and when I went in to check on him, he was curled up to a picture of Gabe. GABE...not me. Not mommy anymore...hasn't been for almost a year...he's a boy and wants to be around boys. Mommy's boring, I suppose, the main disciplinarian (with him more often than Gabe of course), the one who doesn't let him get away with anything.
While I realize I can't stop disciplining as he grows more challenging, I ACHE for the days when he was 3,4 and 5 (fastest years EVER) and it was just "us"...lunches together, library time, ample hand holding...
Even Rowan, not even 2, cries out "my daddy, my daddy...where daddy go?". It's awesome that they love their daddy so much...but in all honesty I start to wonder if I am somehow pushing them away? No one would ever tell me that was the case....but I can't help but wonder if I have so much on my plate that all I do during the week is "manage well" instead of "parent well." That alone makes me furious...but I can't focus the rage I feel.
I am told consistently about my potential...what I could do/become if only...if only what? If only I didn't have these two heavy weights???? In my heart I know that's what the intent of the statements are. Because I choose to keep my youngest out of full time daycare and my oldest out of full time summer camp, I must also choose to take on less work, even when prime opportunities come flooding in. I know several who think I regularly commit professional suicide...but I do not care. I might for a second, but one look into the gorgeous eyes of my children and I know the ultimate truth...if I screw them up, nothing else really matters.
That last paragraph sounds pretty solid, right? Like I have my priorities straight, doesn't it? Then why do I feel SO BAD? Part of me knows there's another calling on my life. I truly believe God has something else in store and He knows (as I pray all the time for it to be revealed) I am waiting. READY and waiting. Even though I know I have been blessed to carve out this balance of professional life and mommy hood, I know there's more work to be done...different work. This gig is likely just temporary. Maybe that's part of what makes me so angry. Tom Petty said it best "The waiting is the hardest part."
Today in church our pastor talked about prayer...the importance of it...I expected that. What I didn't expect was for him to TOTALLY REVEAL MY ISSUE. Turns out it's a popular one and not just mine. He described a situation in which we pray continually, as God asks, and still don't have an answer to our prayer(s). Uh, yeah...experienced that one before. He asked us if when we pray we feel like the prayers go nowhere, as if there's a sort of ceiling above us that prevents it from going "up there". I am botching up what he said, but basically he described my exact process. I cry, I pray, I fall asleep during prayer, I lose focus, sometimes I am totally focused, and many times feel like I'm talking to air. He then simply said that if there's an "elephant" in the room (a certain sin/negative behavior) that we know could be keeping us from being "right" with God that we should just simply clear the air. After his sermon I asked an older woman I know to pray with me...I started crying...knowing that my elephant was anger and that I was guilty of repeating a pattern I grew up with...and I WAS SORRY. SO SORRY. We prayed together and I fully understood that had let that go...that I admitted it and asked for help. I'll keep you posted.
I do not want anger to block my view of who I am and am supposed to be...as a woman, as a mommy, as a servant of God. It's an issue, and I know that I have the will to overcome it...I just need God to lead the way.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow
To my boys.
Micah:
So long cute little mouth with missing front teeth...now you're filled with grown up teeth that have changed how you look immensely.
So long size 6-7, now you're a size 8...and you've grown so tall you have to wear a belt to keep all your pants on:). Your shoe size is now a 2.
So long Easy Readers, now you're reading chapter books, reciting great works of art and reading everything in sight..and understanding it without much need for explanation. Wasn't it last night we were just practicing the words "cat", "dog" and "love"?
So long simple math...you've started to multiply.
So long endless time, you understand schedules and want clarity about what's next...ALL the time:)
So long crayon scribbles, you can now make beautiful artwork (like your daddy).
So long whimpering, now you are tough and can take an accidental blow without shedding a tear.
So long "skater hair", you seem to prefer very short like your daddy.
So long round cheeks, your face is becoming more defined.
So long free weeknights, you were given homework nightly - and loved doing it!
This year you experienced:
This year you experienced the love and guidance of a wonderful teacher who proved all you knew before wrong.
This year you learned what poverty was as you saw a classmate hoard food from the lunchroom.
This year you learned what hate was, as children who weren't taught to think before they speak, spoke the word freely, some meant it and some knew no better.
This year you learned what lazy language was, as other kids, including you, tried a few curse words on for size. You were punished of course.
This year you had daddy as a leader in cub scouts and had so much fun.
This year you played soccer and are starting to understand the game and how to play. Your nickname is Big Foot, for your strong, powerful kicks!
This year you learned what homosexuality was by way of an older student using the word "gay" in a hateful way. This was tough for mommy to explain, but we did it so that you would know you could ask us anything
This year you experienced reward for academic excellence.
This year you gained confidence in your intellectual ability.
This year, actually, just in the last month, you seem to notice girls. I'm currently trying to steer you away, as this interest will consume you for many years to come.
This year you understood what Baptism is, and asked to be baptized. You were so amazing and made our hearts sing! The Angels in Heaven rejoiced that day as you proclaimed your faith in front of so many.
This year you experienced frustration as your younger brother received lots of our attention and forced himself into your daily life and helped himself to your toys.
This year you were allowed to hang with the adults in our small group and are continuing to learn how to listen to God's Word and give and receive input on it. You are so smart, baby!!!
This year, you watched mommy get angry more often than necessary because of stress, and I'm so sorry for that:(
This year, you shed fewer tears and instead balled your fists in anger and frustration. Growing up sometimes means getting angry at things when they don't go your way, but I'll always be here to gently undo that iron fist and put a kiss in the palm of your hand.
Micah, you are a beautiful boy, gifted in so many ways and we can't wait to see what second grade has in store for you ...and vice versa!:)
Rowan:
So long infancy. It was a mere whisper before you started walking, well over a year ago.
So long silence, you talk and babble all day. Your language really exploded about a month ago, at 20 months.
So long safety, you require Mommy to be on high alert at all times.
So long walking, you run and skip everywhere!
So long diapers -just kidding - but you use the potty daily.You prefer standing up on the toilet so that you look more like your big brother:)
So long quiet, you are LOUD.
So long baby hair, you have a head full of golden brown hair in the cutest bowl cut.
So long "easy", you are demanding and strong willed and quite independent! What a challenge you are!
So long spectator, you're in every game and activity there is
This year you experienced:
This year you experienced nursery school and other babies your age. You handled it well and actually love going as long as mommy isn't gone too long.
This year you became fascinated with balls...soccer, basketball, football...you usually insist on sleeping with one.
This year your personality has shined. You are full of love and happiness.
This year you learned, or should I say, taught us all how to dance with complete abandonment:)
This year you learned several songs about our God...your favorite being The B.I.B.L.E.:)
This year you became addicted to marshmallows...I regret every giving you one.
This year your taste buds have exploded, you are a good eater!
This year you started waking up A LOT at night as your molars came through, and still have quite a time. I'm not sure the last time mommy and daddy had a totally silent nigh.
This year Mommy has grieved at how quickly you went from infant to toddler and are well on your way to a little boy. It's not that I don't love every inch of you now, but those moments when you cuddled on me like a sack of potatoes and gave me big wet kisses are missed.
My Ro Ro, I love you so much and desperately want to keep you small. I know that can't happen so I'll do my best to let you grow day by day. You are a JOY.
Micah:
So Long First Grade...
So long cute little mouth with missing front teeth...now you're filled with grown up teeth that have changed how you look immensely.
So long size 6-7, now you're a size 8...and you've grown so tall you have to wear a belt to keep all your pants on:). Your shoe size is now a 2.
So long Easy Readers, now you're reading chapter books, reciting great works of art and reading everything in sight..and understanding it without much need for explanation. Wasn't it last night we were just practicing the words "cat", "dog" and "love"?
So long simple math...you've started to multiply.
So long endless time, you understand schedules and want clarity about what's next...ALL the time:)
So long crayon scribbles, you can now make beautiful artwork (like your daddy).
So long whimpering, now you are tough and can take an accidental blow without shedding a tear.
So long "skater hair", you seem to prefer very short like your daddy.
So long round cheeks, your face is becoming more defined.
So long free weeknights, you were given homework nightly - and loved doing it!
This year you experienced:
This year you experienced the love and guidance of a wonderful teacher who proved all you knew before wrong.
This year you learned what poverty was as you saw a classmate hoard food from the lunchroom.
This year you learned what hate was, as children who weren't taught to think before they speak, spoke the word freely, some meant it and some knew no better.
This year you learned what lazy language was, as other kids, including you, tried a few curse words on for size. You were punished of course.
This year you had daddy as a leader in cub scouts and had so much fun.
This year you played soccer and are starting to understand the game and how to play. Your nickname is Big Foot, for your strong, powerful kicks!
This year you learned what homosexuality was by way of an older student using the word "gay" in a hateful way. This was tough for mommy to explain, but we did it so that you would know you could ask us anything
This year you experienced reward for academic excellence.
This year you gained confidence in your intellectual ability.
This year, actually, just in the last month, you seem to notice girls. I'm currently trying to steer you away, as this interest will consume you for many years to come.
This year you understood what Baptism is, and asked to be baptized. You were so amazing and made our hearts sing! The Angels in Heaven rejoiced that day as you proclaimed your faith in front of so many.
This year you experienced frustration as your younger brother received lots of our attention and forced himself into your daily life and helped himself to your toys.
This year you were allowed to hang with the adults in our small group and are continuing to learn how to listen to God's Word and give and receive input on it. You are so smart, baby!!!
This year, you watched mommy get angry more often than necessary because of stress, and I'm so sorry for that:(
This year, you shed fewer tears and instead balled your fists in anger and frustration. Growing up sometimes means getting angry at things when they don't go your way, but I'll always be here to gently undo that iron fist and put a kiss in the palm of your hand.
Micah, you are a beautiful boy, gifted in so many ways and we can't wait to see what second grade has in store for you ...and vice versa!:)
Rowan:
My baby. My BABY.
So long silence, you talk and babble all day. Your language really exploded about a month ago, at 20 months.
So long safety, you require Mommy to be on high alert at all times.
So long walking, you run and skip everywhere!
So long diapers -just kidding - but you use the potty daily.You prefer standing up on the toilet so that you look more like your big brother:)
So long quiet, you are LOUD.
So long baby hair, you have a head full of golden brown hair in the cutest bowl cut.
So long "easy", you are demanding and strong willed and quite independent! What a challenge you are!
So long spectator, you're in every game and activity there is
This year you experienced:
This year you experienced nursery school and other babies your age. You handled it well and actually love going as long as mommy isn't gone too long.
This year you became fascinated with balls...soccer, basketball, football...you usually insist on sleeping with one.
This year your personality has shined. You are full of love and happiness.
This year you learned, or should I say, taught us all how to dance with complete abandonment:)
This year you learned several songs about our God...your favorite being The B.I.B.L.E.:)
This year you became addicted to marshmallows...I regret every giving you one.
This year your taste buds have exploded, you are a good eater!
This year you started waking up A LOT at night as your molars came through, and still have quite a time. I'm not sure the last time mommy and daddy had a totally silent nigh.
This year Mommy has grieved at how quickly you went from infant to toddler and are well on your way to a little boy. It's not that I don't love every inch of you now, but those moments when you cuddled on me like a sack of potatoes and gave me big wet kisses are missed.
My Ro Ro, I love you so much and desperately want to keep you small. I know that can't happen so I'll do my best to let you grow day by day. You are a JOY.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
So Far We're Ok...
We're nearing the end of January, my least favorite month of the year.
It's not even cold here but there's a darkness and a chill to the month that I loathe. I have a physical reaction to it yearly. I don't know if the year ahead just seems overwhelming or that I am sitting here, again, wondering if I'm doing all the right things and will I figure it out THIS year?
Micah is halfway through first grade in public school. I still don't love it. I knew I would never love large classrooms and less than stellar experiences. I'm still trying to figure out how to help/change/deal. He is picking up language and sayings that make my skin crawl. He has been saying things like " I can have a cookie, mommy?" I recall hearing backward sentences like this when I moved here as a kid from New Jersey. I always found it so odd. I correct him calmly and move on, but boy does it bother me! I try not to pick out the grammatical errors in notes sent home, etc., but I'm not doing very well at that. I'm a communicator by nature and tend to think that any official document from an educational institution should be mostly error free - especially from a teacher.
Overall I am pleased with his teacher - she is trying so very hard and is so encouraging to me and to Micah and I respect her. She told me that Micah is really intelligent and needs to focus because at times, he's missing key instruction. Apparently he spends a considerable amount of time being distracted by other kids not doing what they are supposed to and makes it his business to correct them - causing arguments, etc. I can TOTALLY see him doing this. She told me that she regularly tells him "Micah, you are too brilliant to miss this instruction," and I really think that's cool. Encouraging redirection - I like it. Report cards come home tomorrow - I'm curious to see if he has kept up all his good work. I know he tries hard at homework with me - but then again, he loves anything that involves mommy and daddy. We sometimes have to do homework a bit late with him b/c of Rowan - more on him in a second. Once Rowan is in bed, we snuggle on the couch and do his reading assignments and work on his spelling words and math - quality time is indeed Micah's love language. Speaking of - I highly recommend reading.
Micah is 60 lbs, wears a shoe size of 1.5, is one of the tallest in his class and wears a size 8 in clothes. He's 6 1/2. He looks 8 1/2. It's a bit unsettling. He is beginning to need to wear deodorant and I'm actually a bit freaked out by that. His pediatrician said it was fine, but I tend to think doctors overlook so many red flags. I suspect several things, based on all I have learned in the past couple of years from some clients in the health and wellness field:
I plan to get him tested for food allergies in the near future, along with his daddy. It's been a long time coming and based on the fact that removing dairy years ago led to amazing results (no ear infections or sinus infections starting the day AFTER I removed it against doctor's recommendations), I think it's time for an official test. Micah's skin is sensitive, he has keratosis pilaris, tiny little bumps on arms and face and has since about the age of 2-3. You can't see them, but you can feel them and at times they get really red. I recently red that these bumps, along with other symptoms like lack of focus, irritability (you might recall my diving into a recommendation for ADD/ADHD eval which is currently inconclusive based on his good grades and a stern mama) are signs of a gluten allergy. Gabe has a VERY, VERY sensitive system and can't handle things like oatmeal or whole wheat bread very well...so I'm curious.
Other than that - I suspect we are all what we eat - and try not to think about all the milk I downed while pregnant that was NOT organic, all the meat I ate that was NOT humanely raised, injected with antibiotics and all around gross. I know that sounds extreme - but if you really dig - you'll find SO much linked to food and behavior. It's maddening.
Micah pushes my buttons a lot. A LOT. He speaks how he is spoken to - and sometimes it comes back to bite me and other times, he just needs reminding that he is not the adult. He whines about EVERYTHING and I tend to yell more than anyone in this house likes. It takes some intense self control not to act the way I WANT to act. Lead by example, right? It's hard. He's so darned smart that I can have these "older" conversations with him, or so I think, and then when he acts like an actual 6 year old, I freak out. I need to find balance here.
Rowan. A.K.A. The Rowanator. He is one big funny mess. Seriously. He is so cute and funny - and WWWWWWWWWWWWILD. He climbs on furniture, on the dogs, sits in his high chair for about 1 minutes while he shovels the food in and then he's screaming to get out. He would rather sit in a chair like ours and be a "big boy"...but he hasn't mastered eating with manners - or utensils - for that matter. He plays with all of Micah's toys and only now, after months of this, is Micah tiring of it:). He is starting to hit to get a reaction, but we redirect with "No, love" and he hugs or kisses us. Sometimes I get loud and more stern b/c he has really hurt someone and he puffs his lip out and his eyes water and it breaks me to see his first feelings of shame or embarrassment. I love on him instantly and how him "how" to touch someone or be around someone. He is by no means the "hitting kid" - yet - and I plan to keep it that way!
He can say mommy, daddy, Mi-nah (Micah), tractor, choo-choo, sock, tuck (truck), yeah (if asked, "do you want this or that"), duck-duck, apple (aaaa-bble) and one or two other things I am not remembering. Today he said clear as day "Micah bike" and we almost passed out. We couldn't get him to do it again. He also tries to say "I love you" but only we understand:). He also, just today, said "Da-ddeeeeeeee we aw u" (daddy, where are you) and I flipped. So amazing. Using sign language he says "more," "all done," and "thank you." It's awesome.
Rowan hates ANY kind of restraint - including being on his back for a diaper change. That is a tricky one.
He is currently getting his top molars and is drooling everywhere and waking up early, which is wearing us down. Not having any help with the kids is tough. You don't have kids and expect help, we know that, but we have never had both kids handled for the night and Micah has never stayed overnight anywhere...the opportunity presented itself a couple of times last year, but he wanted to come home, so we of course went and got him. This presents some challenges as a young-ish couple - as we'd love to go out more together and it's so important. We continue to pray through this. We just don't have the funds to regularly have a sitter - as it's at least $10 an hour...and we already spend a few hundred a month on childcare for Rowan for work purposes.
Rowan, at his 15 month check up in December, weighed about 26 lbs and was 33 1/2 inches long, two inches longer than he was at his 12 month check up. He wears a size 5.5 shoe, WIDE, and is in 18-24 month clothes - mostly 2ts right now. He is thicker, if I am remembering right, than Micah was at this age. Bigger thighs, cheeks, etc. I keep his hair longer and it still has a touch of wave after a trim - no curls, but wave, yes:)
Deep down I know this time is flying by. In our hardest moments, like, say, Sunday mornings when there seems to be HOURS to pass before it's time to go to church, we try to have perspective. It doesn't always work. I thought Gabe and I were going to completely blow before 10 a.m. Likely because it was a 5 a.m. morning.
I am in LOVE with my kids and see Micah slipping away just a bit...hard to explain. Some is normal, some is a product of his situation I guess...so I'm looking to alter his situation in whatever way I need to to ensure he has the very best childhood he can, full of love and life.
So far, we're ok, but I'm always looking for ways to be better.
It's not even cold here but there's a darkness and a chill to the month that I loathe. I have a physical reaction to it yearly. I don't know if the year ahead just seems overwhelming or that I am sitting here, again, wondering if I'm doing all the right things and will I figure it out THIS year?
Micah is halfway through first grade in public school. I still don't love it. I knew I would never love large classrooms and less than stellar experiences. I'm still trying to figure out how to help/change/deal. He is picking up language and sayings that make my skin crawl. He has been saying things like " I can have a cookie, mommy?" I recall hearing backward sentences like this when I moved here as a kid from New Jersey. I always found it so odd. I correct him calmly and move on, but boy does it bother me! I try not to pick out the grammatical errors in notes sent home, etc., but I'm not doing very well at that. I'm a communicator by nature and tend to think that any official document from an educational institution should be mostly error free - especially from a teacher.
Overall I am pleased with his teacher - she is trying so very hard and is so encouraging to me and to Micah and I respect her. She told me that Micah is really intelligent and needs to focus because at times, he's missing key instruction. Apparently he spends a considerable amount of time being distracted by other kids not doing what they are supposed to and makes it his business to correct them - causing arguments, etc. I can TOTALLY see him doing this. She told me that she regularly tells him "Micah, you are too brilliant to miss this instruction," and I really think that's cool. Encouraging redirection - I like it. Report cards come home tomorrow - I'm curious to see if he has kept up all his good work. I know he tries hard at homework with me - but then again, he loves anything that involves mommy and daddy. We sometimes have to do homework a bit late with him b/c of Rowan - more on him in a second. Once Rowan is in bed, we snuggle on the couch and do his reading assignments and work on his spelling words and math - quality time is indeed Micah's love language. Speaking of - I highly recommend reading.
Micah is 60 lbs, wears a shoe size of 1.5, is one of the tallest in his class and wears a size 8 in clothes. He's 6 1/2. He looks 8 1/2. It's a bit unsettling. He is beginning to need to wear deodorant and I'm actually a bit freaked out by that. His pediatrician said it was fine, but I tend to think doctors overlook so many red flags. I suspect several things, based on all I have learned in the past couple of years from some clients in the health and wellness field:
I plan to get him tested for food allergies in the near future, along with his daddy. It's been a long time coming and based on the fact that removing dairy years ago led to amazing results (no ear infections or sinus infections starting the day AFTER I removed it against doctor's recommendations), I think it's time for an official test. Micah's skin is sensitive, he has keratosis pilaris, tiny little bumps on arms and face and has since about the age of 2-3. You can't see them, but you can feel them and at times they get really red. I recently red that these bumps, along with other symptoms like lack of focus, irritability (you might recall my diving into a recommendation for ADD/ADHD eval which is currently inconclusive based on his good grades and a stern mama) are signs of a gluten allergy. Gabe has a VERY, VERY sensitive system and can't handle things like oatmeal or whole wheat bread very well...so I'm curious.
Other than that - I suspect we are all what we eat - and try not to think about all the milk I downed while pregnant that was NOT organic, all the meat I ate that was NOT humanely raised, injected with antibiotics and all around gross. I know that sounds extreme - but if you really dig - you'll find SO much linked to food and behavior. It's maddening.
Micah pushes my buttons a lot. A LOT. He speaks how he is spoken to - and sometimes it comes back to bite me and other times, he just needs reminding that he is not the adult. He whines about EVERYTHING and I tend to yell more than anyone in this house likes. It takes some intense self control not to act the way I WANT to act. Lead by example, right? It's hard. He's so darned smart that I can have these "older" conversations with him, or so I think, and then when he acts like an actual 6 year old, I freak out. I need to find balance here.
Rowan. A.K.A. The Rowanator. He is one big funny mess. Seriously. He is so cute and funny - and WWWWWWWWWWWWILD. He climbs on furniture, on the dogs, sits in his high chair for about 1 minutes while he shovels the food in and then he's screaming to get out. He would rather sit in a chair like ours and be a "big boy"...but he hasn't mastered eating with manners - or utensils - for that matter. He plays with all of Micah's toys and only now, after months of this, is Micah tiring of it:). He is starting to hit to get a reaction, but we redirect with "No, love" and he hugs or kisses us. Sometimes I get loud and more stern b/c he has really hurt someone and he puffs his lip out and his eyes water and it breaks me to see his first feelings of shame or embarrassment. I love on him instantly and how him "how" to touch someone or be around someone. He is by no means the "hitting kid" - yet - and I plan to keep it that way!
He can say mommy, daddy, Mi-nah (Micah), tractor, choo-choo, sock, tuck (truck), yeah (if asked, "do you want this or that"), duck-duck, apple (aaaa-bble) and one or two other things I am not remembering. Today he said clear as day "Micah bike" and we almost passed out. We couldn't get him to do it again. He also tries to say "I love you" but only we understand:). He also, just today, said "Da-ddeeeeeeee we aw u" (daddy, where are you) and I flipped. So amazing. Using sign language he says "more," "all done," and "thank you." It's awesome.
Rowan hates ANY kind of restraint - including being on his back for a diaper change. That is a tricky one.
He is currently getting his top molars and is drooling everywhere and waking up early, which is wearing us down. Not having any help with the kids is tough. You don't have kids and expect help, we know that, but we have never had both kids handled for the night and Micah has never stayed overnight anywhere...the opportunity presented itself a couple of times last year, but he wanted to come home, so we of course went and got him. This presents some challenges as a young-ish couple - as we'd love to go out more together and it's so important. We continue to pray through this. We just don't have the funds to regularly have a sitter - as it's at least $10 an hour...and we already spend a few hundred a month on childcare for Rowan for work purposes.
Rowan, at his 15 month check up in December, weighed about 26 lbs and was 33 1/2 inches long, two inches longer than he was at his 12 month check up. He wears a size 5.5 shoe, WIDE, and is in 18-24 month clothes - mostly 2ts right now. He is thicker, if I am remembering right, than Micah was at this age. Bigger thighs, cheeks, etc. I keep his hair longer and it still has a touch of wave after a trim - no curls, but wave, yes:)
Deep down I know this time is flying by. In our hardest moments, like, say, Sunday mornings when there seems to be HOURS to pass before it's time to go to church, we try to have perspective. It doesn't always work. I thought Gabe and I were going to completely blow before 10 a.m. Likely because it was a 5 a.m. morning.
I am in LOVE with my kids and see Micah slipping away just a bit...hard to explain. Some is normal, some is a product of his situation I guess...so I'm looking to alter his situation in whatever way I need to to ensure he has the very best childhood he can, full of love and life.
So far, we're ok, but I'm always looking for ways to be better.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I'll Be Missing You....
What am I doing right now? Missing her.
What am I feeling right now - a tiny bit helpless, a whole lot of rage and a sprinkling of disappointment.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be - how I imagined things would turn out...but this is the way it is. How I deal with it is what I'm still trying to figure out.
I miss my mother. I miss her laughter. I miss her witty comments and her smile.
The thing is - she's still here. The Lord hasn't taken her to heaven. She is suffering from Multiple Sclerosis.
She's lying in her bed, just 12 miles from my home, likely sleeping. Again.
There's a side of me that wants to be selfish. I want to say things like :
How could you do this to me?
How can you not be involved with your grandchildren?
Why don't you call?
Why don't you come to any of Micah's extra curricular activities?
You missed Rowan walk, please don't miss him talk...he's already beginning.
I ran my first two races this year, mom. I hate running, but I did it because I know you can't.
I raised a lot of money for the research for your disease, Mom - but you don't seem to be aware.
Why don't you have us for dinner? Why won't you come to dinner at our house?
Why aren't you there, mom?!
But then God gives me a bird's eye view and I think, I realize, I understand.
She doesn't call because she is tired. She spent her whole life calling and checking on me. It used to drive me nuts!
She doesn't let the grandchildren see her because she doesn't want them to see her this way. Micah already shys away because of how she looks (tired, always in pj's). It hurts her to brush her hair or put clothes on.
She doesn't overly concern herself about how much money was raised for MS, she is likely feeling hopeless and that her life has been compromised.
She doesn't have us over because she can't clean and cook like she used to and can't trust herself to be able to stay on her feet for any given amount of time.
She doesn't come over or enter public places because her immune system is so broken that even teh slightest cold or virus carried by us can turn into something as sever as pneumonia for her - and quickly.
She is sad.
She misses who she was.
I spent a LOT of time over the years trying to convince my mother that we all accepted her new reality, that no one thought anything different of her and we would support her. I offered countless times to "start over" with her MS diagnosis. "Let's detox and begin again, Mom," I would say. "I live close now. Please let me in. Please let me help."
Her response is always the same, "There is nothing you can do for me, sweetie. I hate being sick. I'm sick of this myself. I hate doctors."
When she responds this way it sends me first into rage, where I am guilty of yelling at her (I'm sorry, Mom) and telling her how crazy she sounds. Then it sends me into frustration because she also tells me that I have my own life, my own children and she doesn't want to compromise that. She's my mother - my first family!
Life is funny. Life is - short. I remember being a little girl and for no reason at all I would start to cry when even thinking of my future without my mother. How odd, right? Maybe God was allowing me to feel such grown up things for a purpose - so that I could prepare for today, when I can reach out and touch her but she can't feel me.
I loathe MS. I hate what it has done to her. I fear it for myself and find that I scrutinize every ache and pain...
I know that some day my mother will laugh again, that the medicines that calm her pain won't take over her body and she'll be Kathy again.
It's very easy for me to ask "Why?", as I have for many, many years about many, many things. How could God allow this to happen? Why doesn't he swoop in and heal her? I can definitely see how many might think that God is not a God of love or that He doesn't have the power to prevent suffering. What if He does have the power but not the will? Then surely He must be punishing her, right? It's been a long road lined with many, many thoughts...
I do not know the answers for sure when it comes to this, but I do know that God is a God of love. He is holy and just and I think, feel, believe - that he uses trials to bring us closer to Him - to remind us that we need Him, that he is God the Father. Emmanual - God with Us. I know that my mother speaks to God every day and that she loves and respects Him.
Revelation 21:4 says "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."
I believe this verse applies to the heaven experience - and boy - who can't wait for that? My son always tells me how excited he is about seeing God "for real".
Isaiah 40:31 says "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
I believe we can apply this verse in a variety of ways. I think, though, that we can sometimes overlook its intention. This verse doesn't mean that nothing will happen to us if we believe in God, that we will be exempt from being human, but that, as believers, it's possible to have peace during any trial, any suffering and that we will make it through, we will soar in whatever way that is possible for each individual. For my mother, that might mean that she may not be able to walk every day, but her love for God will not grow faint. It may mean that her hope is in her "forever" life that is yet to come. I think when you're sick you're likely all too aware of how human and frail you are and you can only hope in THE hope of all hopes....
What am I feeling right now - a tiny bit helpless, a whole lot of rage and a sprinkling of disappointment.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be - how I imagined things would turn out...but this is the way it is. How I deal with it is what I'm still trying to figure out.
I miss my mother. I miss her laughter. I miss her witty comments and her smile.
The thing is - she's still here. The Lord hasn't taken her to heaven. She is suffering from Multiple Sclerosis.
She's lying in her bed, just 12 miles from my home, likely sleeping. Again.
There's a side of me that wants to be selfish. I want to say things like :
How could you do this to me?
How can you not be involved with your grandchildren?
Why don't you call?
Why don't you come to any of Micah's extra curricular activities?
You missed Rowan walk, please don't miss him talk...he's already beginning.
I ran my first two races this year, mom. I hate running, but I did it because I know you can't.
I raised a lot of money for the research for your disease, Mom - but you don't seem to be aware.
Why don't you have us for dinner? Why won't you come to dinner at our house?
Why aren't you there, mom?!
But then God gives me a bird's eye view and I think, I realize, I understand.
She doesn't call because she is tired. She spent her whole life calling and checking on me. It used to drive me nuts!
She doesn't let the grandchildren see her because she doesn't want them to see her this way. Micah already shys away because of how she looks (tired, always in pj's). It hurts her to brush her hair or put clothes on.
She doesn't overly concern herself about how much money was raised for MS, she is likely feeling hopeless and that her life has been compromised.
She doesn't have us over because she can't clean and cook like she used to and can't trust herself to be able to stay on her feet for any given amount of time.
She doesn't come over or enter public places because her immune system is so broken that even teh slightest cold or virus carried by us can turn into something as sever as pneumonia for her - and quickly.
She is sad.
She misses who she was.
I spent a LOT of time over the years trying to convince my mother that we all accepted her new reality, that no one thought anything different of her and we would support her. I offered countless times to "start over" with her MS diagnosis. "Let's detox and begin again, Mom," I would say. "I live close now. Please let me in. Please let me help."
Her response is always the same, "There is nothing you can do for me, sweetie. I hate being sick. I'm sick of this myself. I hate doctors."
When she responds this way it sends me first into rage, where I am guilty of yelling at her (I'm sorry, Mom) and telling her how crazy she sounds. Then it sends me into frustration because she also tells me that I have my own life, my own children and she doesn't want to compromise that. She's my mother - my first family!
Life is funny. Life is - short. I remember being a little girl and for no reason at all I would start to cry when even thinking of my future without my mother. How odd, right? Maybe God was allowing me to feel such grown up things for a purpose - so that I could prepare for today, when I can reach out and touch her but she can't feel me.
I loathe MS. I hate what it has done to her. I fear it for myself and find that I scrutinize every ache and pain...
I know that some day my mother will laugh again, that the medicines that calm her pain won't take over her body and she'll be Kathy again.
It's very easy for me to ask "Why?", as I have for many, many years about many, many things. How could God allow this to happen? Why doesn't he swoop in and heal her? I can definitely see how many might think that God is not a God of love or that He doesn't have the power to prevent suffering. What if He does have the power but not the will? Then surely He must be punishing her, right? It's been a long road lined with many, many thoughts...
I do not know the answers for sure when it comes to this, but I do know that God is a God of love. He is holy and just and I think, feel, believe - that he uses trials to bring us closer to Him - to remind us that we need Him, that he is God the Father. Emmanual - God with Us. I know that my mother speaks to God every day and that she loves and respects Him.
Revelation 21:4 says "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."
I believe this verse applies to the heaven experience - and boy - who can't wait for that? My son always tells me how excited he is about seeing God "for real".
Isaiah 40:31 says "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
I believe we can apply this verse in a variety of ways. I think, though, that we can sometimes overlook its intention. This verse doesn't mean that nothing will happen to us if we believe in God, that we will be exempt from being human, but that, as believers, it's possible to have peace during any trial, any suffering and that we will make it through, we will soar in whatever way that is possible for each individual. For my mother, that might mean that she may not be able to walk every day, but her love for God will not grow faint. It may mean that her hope is in her "forever" life that is yet to come. I think when you're sick you're likely all too aware of how human and frail you are and you can only hope in THE hope of all hopes....
I pray that there are many quality moments left with my mother, that my babies will know and love their "Ya Ya".
Until those moments, I'll be missing her.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
You Know What Happens When you Assume
I can't tell you the number of times things have been assumed about me because I am self employed.I've either overheard or picked up Some things are good, some bad. Most are just wrong.
My business began during a time of intense turmoil in my life, both professionally and personally...until that moment of Divine Intervention. Prior to that moment, I spent the first 3.5 years of my son's little life juggling a young career and a young life. Not the easiest thing I've ever done. Committed to being with my first son as much as possible, I was actually paying for full time daycare to send him part time, or at least the hours I needed them. There was no "flex" time available. My part time work was actually a full time salaried job, downgraded to hourly and forced into a 25 hour a week time frame, at my request. I did this at my last two positions, I kept all my duties, but did them in less time. It made me very efficient, but also took some money away and kinda made things really rough. But it kept me in the game during a time when I could have easily dropped off the field.
Just a few examples of the nutty assumptions of the self employed:)
1. I am available 24/7. This applies to the fact that I have a home office. Personally this means that it is assumed that it's easy to tend to the house and to my work simultaneously. Most of this assumption comes from, well, me. I absolutely HATE working a house that is not tidy. I put a ton of pressure on myself to do it "all" and I am trying to change that.
2. I have a ton of free time. I can't remember the last time I watched anything regularly on tv, or wanted to actually. The fact that I take yoga and work out - well those "extra curriculars" come at 5:45 a.m. if I am lucky enough to sneak out before my baby starts wailing. Anything mid day or late afternoon is out of the question b/c it's the Carrie show until hubby comes home around 6:30.
3. Life is easy when you work for yourself. This may be the funniest one. Life isn't easy for anyone, much less those who find themselves on constant interviews trying to land new clients (which happens much more often than when you are working for someone else), ensure "paychecks" are received on time and those who work for you are paid promptly. If one item in that equation goes wrong, guess who is ultimately responsible and has to cover it?
4. I'm just lucky that I am self employed. There have been many times where I have been blessed to be pursued by various companies at the same time. There have been times when I have actively sought new clients. I'm always working. Hard. Luck has nothing to do with it.
5. I have it easy. In some ways this is true, in that in SOME ways, I have it easier. Unless there is a set meeting, I don't have to stress about how I look before 8 a.m., I can load the dishwasher and then sit down to work, etc. However, I have to be an expert time manager to meet the needs of multiple "bosses" and their individual deadlines in addition to caring for my family and handling most of the family business. It's just what is. Hubby works too long and too late and therefore if I am not on my game every day, no one gets to play, which is unfortunate.
It is 100% true that I am way happier working for myself - no assumption here - just fact. It's scarier being my own fearless leader, but I would not trade this life for a job that paid a ton more. Being with my kids and having a crazy, but flexible schedule, it so worth it.
My business began during a time of intense turmoil in my life, both professionally and personally...until that moment of Divine Intervention. Prior to that moment, I spent the first 3.5 years of my son's little life juggling a young career and a young life. Not the easiest thing I've ever done. Committed to being with my first son as much as possible, I was actually paying for full time daycare to send him part time, or at least the hours I needed them. There was no "flex" time available. My part time work was actually a full time salaried job, downgraded to hourly and forced into a 25 hour a week time frame, at my request. I did this at my last two positions, I kept all my duties, but did them in less time. It made me very efficient, but also took some money away and kinda made things really rough. But it kept me in the game during a time when I could have easily dropped off the field.
Just a few examples of the nutty assumptions of the self employed:)
1. I am available 24/7. This applies to the fact that I have a home office. Personally this means that it is assumed that it's easy to tend to the house and to my work simultaneously. Most of this assumption comes from, well, me. I absolutely HATE working a house that is not tidy. I put a ton of pressure on myself to do it "all" and I am trying to change that.
2. I have a ton of free time. I can't remember the last time I watched anything regularly on tv, or wanted to actually. The fact that I take yoga and work out - well those "extra curriculars" come at 5:45 a.m. if I am lucky enough to sneak out before my baby starts wailing. Anything mid day or late afternoon is out of the question b/c it's the Carrie show until hubby comes home around 6:30.
3. Life is easy when you work for yourself. This may be the funniest one. Life isn't easy for anyone, much less those who find themselves on constant interviews trying to land new clients (which happens much more often than when you are working for someone else), ensure "paychecks" are received on time and those who work for you are paid promptly. If one item in that equation goes wrong, guess who is ultimately responsible and has to cover it?
4. I'm just lucky that I am self employed. There have been many times where I have been blessed to be pursued by various companies at the same time. There have been times when I have actively sought new clients. I'm always working. Hard. Luck has nothing to do with it.
5. I have it easy. In some ways this is true, in that in SOME ways, I have it easier. Unless there is a set meeting, I don't have to stress about how I look before 8 a.m., I can load the dishwasher and then sit down to work, etc. However, I have to be an expert time manager to meet the needs of multiple "bosses" and their individual deadlines in addition to caring for my family and handling most of the family business. It's just what is. Hubby works too long and too late and therefore if I am not on my game every day, no one gets to play, which is unfortunate.
It is 100% true that I am way happier working for myself - no assumption here - just fact. It's scarier being my own fearless leader, but I would not trade this life for a job that paid a ton more. Being with my kids and having a crazy, but flexible schedule, it so worth it.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)